Imagine that you enjoy wearing a favorite pair of shoes, that get you from Point A to Point B in a comfortable, peace-conscious fashion. They fit like a glove, and become part of who you are. Second nature. You can choose different colours, but ultimately, wearing shoes feels as natural to you as ironing your shirt, or smiling at others.
“As a practicing psychotherapist, I often think that much of what mental health practitioners identify as emotional problems or dysfunctional personalities stems from what I call a basic yes-no disorder, which means saying yes and no at the wrong times. Too many people get it exactly backwards: they say yes (and display moving-toward behavior) when they should be saying no, and they say no (and display moving-away behavior) when they should be saying yes.
Yes, that’s right. Humans make mistakes. God is perfect. People are not. Why do I forget this and waste my time on anger? I mean, we are born this way. Made to err. So why do we forget?
Apparently, us humans naturally want to idolize something. Whether it be celebrities, each other, or something else, according to an author whose first name is Jason and last name I can’t remember.
I would go to the gym today, but…
I would write today, but…
I would weigh less, but…
I would try, but…
I would care, but…
We love our but’s. Take the word but out of your vocabulary. If you do, you have just given yourself unbelievable power to accomplish your dreams. Try saying that sentence again and replace the word but with something else.
You just gotta do it. I mean, I really wish everyone had the opportunity to just blog, write it all out. Blah. Bah. Bla. Just dig it out because if you don’t, it just sits there, like a cavity, festering away at you.
The reason I say this is that part of grieving over the loss of something, whether it be a hope, an expectation or even a gift, is getting through it, not skipping over it, as taught to me in my distress centre training.
I use to believe that if you possessed certain qualities, things would work out. But the truth of the matter is, even with ‘positive’ energy, great qualities, and good character, there is no control over the circumstances that arise in your life including work, relationships, and friendships. All you can control is working through your emotions that result from it.
In this week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy, “Have You Seen Me Lately?” had an inspiring rebuttal from McDreamy’s younger sister who says, “I’m not fragile. I’m a drug addict. I’ve fallen off the wagon twice, it makes me strong. I’m not fragile!” which prompts her older brother to realize that she doesn’t need to be protected, she needs to be encouraged.
In learning about coaching, one of the first lessons you get is that it’s not about you. Yup. That’s right. It’s not about your knowledge, or years of wisdom and so forth. It is all about the client. Your warmth, empathy, respect, and genuinity to listen to where they are at in life and supporting, normalizing and validating their experiences, as according to Carl Rogers (1957) and the Albert R. Roberts Model of Crisis Intervention (2002).
From a resiliency point-of-view therefore, while I appreciate understanding the basic tenets of Islam and my Chinese heritage that you do as you are told, I’m confused as to why we feel the need to overload converts with too much information about Islam within a very short amount of time. I mean, the sahabah had like 14 years to understand tawheed before certain bans including alcohol was brought down (also due to lack of irrigation systems making fresh water more deadly than alcohol for consumption during those times), why is it that we feel such heavy burdens of knowledge is enough to anchor them into their practice. In fact, the same converts in my Muslim class nine years ago have now diverted into the different paths before them anyways which means that all the information does little to permeate into the hearts.
I mean the spread of Islam was due to the character and simplicity of the truth of no god but God which was shared from the Prophet, peace be upon him to Bilaal who converted based on this truth alone, and yes, that Muhammad, pbuh is the last messenger. Why do we make things so very complicated with tons of books, websites, opinions, events, conferences, and the like. I mean, does it really add to the long term practice of a convert? From my experiences in hearing tons of stories, and an advertising media background alhumdulillah, our personal experiences with each other have the most impact, and have the power to negate any huge expensive seminars we have attended.
For instance, you attend a lovely conference with amazing speakers. Hooray. During the course of your conversion to more Islamic ways, you encounter numerous personal difficulties with Muslims around you. Which example will have more of an impact on you? What is idealized and promoted versus what is personally experienced as being valid, regardless of the subjective experience.
To my dismay, it is the latter that is given more credibility and weight than the former. That is to say that while we hear beautiful surahs and wonderful hadeeths, they fall flat when slapped by rejection from members of the Muslim community. This can include ostracism, bullying, targeted comments, or even harsh criticisms disguised as corrections. While some may identify with such treatment, the majority of converts are quite impressionable and vulnerable in their new status of adoption. Orphaned from their old life, and kicked out of their current one. The identity crisis or confusion as to who we are, can be quite overwhelming to the point that old comforts just seem to fit that much more easily.
To save us though, it also only takes one. An individual who expresses they care about us, respect and care for us, as well as love us for who we are, whatever percentage of practice we choose to have because verily only Allah knows what’s in our hearts. If we could promote the idea of kindness to each other to help forgive the cruelties from others, learning will naturally occur as an intrinsic motivation. This would also mean more everlasting lessons and deeper effects in absorbing the material we are given. But perhaps it would be even better to disperse information slowly over a number of years and according to the level of priority.
I don’t know everything, but in watching my convert friends, one after another, leave the close folds of Islam because of negative experiences, it becomes apparent to me that something has to change. Whether it be as simple as encouraging forgiveness to be spoken even when we don’t believe ourselves to be wrong or simply reminding ourselves to make 70 excuses for each other, this is a reminder to myself first. In addition, I think it’s important we also steer clear of negative influences to our practice. It is difficult enough trying to practice our balance of fear and hope without someone tilting it off kilter. But in doing so, it often leads to isolation and ostracism, solutions which perhaps can be found in connecting with others at a distance, insha’Allah.
Loneliness exists in both spheres of Islam and outside of it. The difference is the type of loneliness we feel. It isn’t easy to be inside this cave, but at the same time I feel it’s necessary to lick my wounds that heal with new experiences. In recently venturing out, I was kicked again but this time it pushed me to do something better with my life than the examples I have seen around me. Instead of falling down, I must get back up and evolve my ideas to be even better than what I have experienced.
Change starts with me, and in finding sustainable strategies to encourage the support for each other, I must remember that every point is a learning experience to sharpen my game. In having doors slammed in my face, I humbly step to another one beside me. And in being rejected so many times, I can better empathize with those who are unique and special just like me, insha’Allah, masha’Allah. Ameen.
Anything good is from Allah, and anything bad that I have written I seek forgiveness.
Greetings and peace be upon you,
It dawned on me that here I am waiting for the perfect moment to be the perfect person, and well, that’s never going to happen.
So here it goes, the Convert Network. The idea is that there is an opportunity to socialize virtually with other converts as remote areas or ostracism has limited what is available for opportunities to speak to another. It could be one-to-one or collaborative as a group with meetings entitled Conversations with Converts done via phone, insha’Allah. It would be a nice way to get to know others in a forum using chat, and/or conversation, insha’Allah. I could improve as I go along in facilitating this, insha’Allah, but it could provide support no matter where the distance is, insha’Allah.
I don’t want to wait until March 15th, 2012 as it seems so far away, thus perhaps I’ll aim for:
Sunday Feb. 19th, 2012 4PM to 5:30PM MST insha’Allah
Skype Chat: ConvertRahRah (Skype ID)
Gmail Talk: ConvertRahRah@gmail.com
Website: http://convertrahrah.com
The idea would be live type chat conversations with each other and go from there, insha’Allah, and audio would be reserved for one-on-one unless well, there was only me and that person. Somehow it would work out, insha’Allah. Or accommodate booked appointments insha’Allah.
May Allah make it of ease, insha’Allah and of benefit and learning how to become better. Ameen.
In reading an interesting article on identity development of those who immigrate to Canada, I noticed the similarities between non-Native speakers trying to integrate, deflect marginalization, and access success through exclusive networks of Native Speakers to the struggles converts have in integrating with the native Muslim community (also known as the term ‘born Muslims’ but the fact is all of humanity is born Muslim thus I like native better).
Successful integration involves:
i) self motivating dialogue to resist the ridicule one experiences in their risks to engage with an imperfect community; coping with an identity crisis; lack of “rights to speak” due to social status, Islamic education and cultural position which thus affects one’s motivation and continued learning of the Arabic language, Islamic tenets and principles.
ii) access to social networks including both native Muslims and converts. Such contact is often helpful in establishing the foundation, understanding, practice, and communication of issues that arise in one’s transition to Islam.
Especially during the first three years where development is most critical, I hypothesize based on my experience in knowing over 20 or more converts that the reason for such high ‘drop-outs’ of converts at the rate of 74% is due to to the lack of continued positive experiences with the Muslim community which leads to social isolation and thus reverting back to the culture and personal habits one is accustomed to for over 20 or more years.
Not all cultural and personal habits are bad, for as long as they do not conflict with Islam, and alhumdulillah, many areas of Islam are grey and/or may be developed in time to allow for ease, development and accomplishment in one’s faith.
In fact, it is important that one does not not compare themselves to another Muslims’ level of proficiency as it can damage one’s self-esteem and lead to fear that one will never really be at such level of proficiency.
Or even worse, that they must accomplish this within a very short time period, which is both an internal and external pressure. Like, “must learn Arabic”, or “how many surahs have you memorized.” Such unrealistic expectations is damaging to the natural progression that builds from a strong foundation of tawheed, the oneness of Allah first, before bombarding converts with extracurricular materials.
Instead, we must acknowledge our accomplishments and progress by the standards we set for ourselves in comparison to the stages of where we were before, not others around us. For example, just leaving the ideology of more than one God or adoring MuchMusic idols is a big step.
FaceBook for instance, has been linked to a sort of depression when others represent their ‘best’ selves for display. Personally, I felt the pressure of marriage to be at its worst with emails, FaceBook photos and so forth of all these happily married couples. Mash’Allah, but with the lack of walis to protect or invest in our best interest; suitors who may be single for a reason; cultures that prefer certain norms within their culture; debt we may carry; and the struggle to know who we are as Muslims, marriage is often presented to us as a lot more simple than it really is. Our circumstances are not taken into account so much as what we can give to the other person.
It leads to an unrealistic ideal, and pressure to simply ‘get married’ in fit the Muslim ‘norm’ of must-start-a-family which I agree is important but it can’t be forced, pressured, or prioritized for converts as being the speedway into their Islam. From my experience, it is often the incompatible partnering with a non-supportive spouse that leads to convert drop-outs in the first place.
This is also perpetuated by the constant repeated phrase of ‘it’s half your deen’, or that you must get married by a certain age. There lacks the emphasis on the patience one must have for a suitable partner because only then can you find peace and comfort towards the development of your closeness to Allah. Compatibility requires more than just a spouse performing the five pillars.
We must develop self-confidence if we are to work past our frustrations with the mistakes that we inevitably experience in our journey. We can only feel competent if others are not publicly and/or privately ridiculing our attempts. Just like English language learners, we can only learn by taking risks. No risks, means little opportunities to continue in our construction of this new identity.
Courage and opportunities arising from self-confidence means we feel less threatened by those who are viewed as more proficient in their Islam than us. We need to define Islam for ourselves instead of being told how, what, where, when and why we should practice. We need to learn deflection techniques when encountering a negative comment or ridiculous speech.
Like a teenager growing into his/her own, so is the convert trying to figure out what works or doesn’t fit into their lifestyle easily. If you make it too difficult, they leave.
Instead, make Islam easy for us. The Prophet, peace be upon him, who would get angry at the person who would reveal something that would make it difficult for that person to practice.
Please don’t overload us with so much information. It often means we give up trying.
iii) symbolic membership with an “imagined community” is discussed by Cervatiuc. The effects of exclusion, I have found, is the isolation that converts talk about, the lack of willingness to try to engage with the community because of the ostracism which can be as simple as not saying salaam. This lowers our chances for success.
“I deserve to be successful, and I can succeed” are self-affirmations we must remind ourselves, and each other when choosing the path towards Allah. Often times I have found myself in bouts of sadness because I say to myself, “who am I to succeed, why do I deserve to be successful.” It’s been nine years since I converted and I still have to work on this.
What does this mean to you? Invite us to events. Give us free tickets to something. Take us out for dinner. Don’t forget to call us on Eid. Text, email, chat, meet, or even just smile at us.
If you have offended a convert, apologize. If you haven’t talked in years, re-establish contact. If you don’t know what to say, ask Allah to guide you. Above all, remind yourself that the reflex you have in knowing Allah is there for you, is a mercy and kindness we try to remind ourselves everyday to be aware of.
Anything right and good is from Allah, and anything wrong I have said is from my nafs and shaitan and I do ask for forgiveness for that and all materials on this website and other relevant materials Ameen.
(Adapted with an Islamic perspective from article:
Cervatiuc, Andreea (2009, Sept 10). Identity, Good Language Learning, and Adult Immigrants in Canada. Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/15348450903130439)
